remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
