I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
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So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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