I want to make a zoo with you.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
