I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
