I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
