I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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