I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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