wanna go halves on a baby?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
