matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
