WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
