i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
