Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
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I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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