You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
