I wish I could teleport
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
