I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
