singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
