Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife