Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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