Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
