He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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