Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
