my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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