After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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