1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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