I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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