A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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