dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
