It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
