jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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