I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.