You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch