Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
