why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
