im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
