dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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