That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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