We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
