I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
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Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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