The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
