you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
