Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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