Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think I died a long time ago.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.