Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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