How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
