I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
