i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
