sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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