Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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