I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
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