What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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