Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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