Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
