she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
