I am spending my child support on dildos
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
