Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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