Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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