Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
