Duck Duck Cougar?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We left the knife in your bed.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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