Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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