Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
