so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
